I still can’t believe good sumaritans still exist.

I mean there are people who “try” to help you, like friendly locals suggesting to farangs where the best place to get cheap gems is. Or you know the guy who volunteers to get rid of the condo’s stench of cat feces by drowning two-month old kittens. Or maybe a guy who stops in the middle of a stranded road to help a girl with her car problems by suggesting she takes a ride with him to the nearest gas station for her “safety”, like we see in the news many times.

If I was driving alone that day, the following incident would have turned out differently. I would have turned him down and blocked the traffic while waiting for help.

We were driving on Ramkhamhaeng yesterday afternoon when suddenly one of the famous Bangkok Holes appeared out of nowhere on the road, causing our car to take a little dip, completely punctured our right front tire. We found ourselves on a bridge already when we had to stop on the side of the road.

With emergency lights turned on, I called my mom, asking whether I should call Honda or my insurance company for this when suddenly a black Jeep stopped right in front of us, with his emergency lights turned on too.

“Do you need help changing the tire?” he asked.

My mom, who was still on the phone, warned me. “What does he look like? Is he trustworthy?”

Since it was in the afternoon and traffic was heavy, if he was gonna kill us then we would still at least have a handful of witnesses. So I said yes to him.

He went back to his Jeep, opened the rear trunk and dragged out a jack and a tool box, then approached our car.

While we were getting out the spare tire I asked the boyfriend, “Should we pay him?”

It’s logical. Sumaritans these days either want money or something else and I’d rather give them my money than my iPhone, credit cards, or my life.

Not even five minutes passed he was done, and already dragging his gear back to his trunk. I signalled the boyfriend to go give him the monetary thank you.

The guy turned around, shook his head frantically, said “It’s OK. It’s OK.” and got onto his car.

I shouted back “khob khun mak na ka” just before he closed his door.

Then he just drove away.

“What just happened?” He didn’t say one word after that first sentence. Didn’t ask any question. Didn’t chit chat. Didn’t complain. Didn’t ask for anything.

And mind you, all this happened just when it started to rain.

People actually do this? I for one wouldn’t, not only that I don’t have the skills or the tools like he does, I also don’t want to risk getting myself into a situation that might be hard to get out. Even if I were a guy, what if the person having the accident IS the trouble? What if they were doing something illegal and we got involved? And like the boyfriend said, how did he know we didn’t just stop on the side of the bridge because we were selfish idiots, wanting to look at the view for no reason or talking on the phone? Hey it’s Bangkok.

I managed to take a photo of his car just before he drove away. Wish I could take a photo with him though, but I wasn’t sure of his motive at the time.

Has this situation made me trust my fellow Bangkokians more? Hell no. But at least I now know Bangkok drivers aren’t all selfish idiots.

Srinakarin road is known for some crazy driving. Well to me at least because that’s one of the routes I use to get home on Pattanakarn. The Srinakarin I’m talking about is the one between Ramkhamhaeng and Pattanakarn, with an intersection in the middle that branches out to Krungthep Kritha on the left and the big wide road that leads to ABAC Hua Mak Campus on the right.

I was coming from Lam Sali in Ramkhamhaeng going home. It was raining pretty badly so the roads were flooded so the traffic wasn’t as flowing as it usually is. I was nearing the said junction, right behind a taxi, when suddenly I saw a silver pick-up with a dented left door quickly approaching the taxi in front of me from the right. At this point we were greenlight, so it was more than wrong for this pickup to want to cut off the taxi to get into Krungthep Kritha.

I thought he was drunk. That’s a pretty logical thinking, considering the amount of crazy drivers, wicked accidents and manic races I had witnessed in this area. Everything seemed rather “normal” for an intense Saturday night in a rather rugged neighborhood until I saw that there was another car right behind this crazy pickup, equal at speed, ready to cut off the traffic like the one in front of him.

Then right when both of them were trying to get pass the slow moving traffic, my traffic, into Krungthep Kritha, I heard, loud and clear, two gun shots.

Gun. Fucking. Shots.

View Shooting in a larger map
(Me pink, Taxi blue, flame shooting, and red line for the chase from left of map to right.)

The pickup behind it had its passenger window down. I didn’t see if the pickup in front was reacting or anything. I didn’t even get to see their license plates.

Mind you this is a rather busy junction. At that moment, there were buses, motorcycles, loads of passenger cars, a guy on a bicycle and a big windowless song thaew full of people.

No one moved. No one reacted. When they went into the Soi, everyone just went and continued along the traffic.

I called Jor Sor Roi, which took me a good 3 minutes before it finally got through. By the time someone picked up I was already on Pattanakarn away from it all. And according to Jor Sor Roi, this had not yet been reported. I mean come on, taxis with radios and no one tipped the station?

That was just surreal. The gun shots sounded exactly like in the movies. I have had my share with crazy drivers but this was just off the wall. Has my hood turned into the ‘hood?

I don’t know how to get the followup on this, except to watch out for the news of a dead guy in a silver pickup in Krungthep Kritha.

Funniest thing. One of the first thoughts was pick up my iPhone, snap and tweet. But then conscience kicked in so dialed traffic report radio instead. And all this happened at a busy junction, with a huge ass police station right smack in the middle of it all.

Amazing Thailand.

It is without a doubt, besides dubious scams and red light districts, Bangkok is notoriously recognized around the world for its traffic. It is a commonly known fact that, if you can drive around Bangkok’s winding and busy streets safely without hitting a stray dog or a motorcycle, then you can pretty much survive any metropolitan grids in the world.

It comes naturally for us locals. I mean this is a city where you can run a red light for a fee or get yourself an official driving license for a mere B1,500. The road rules are pretty much thrown out of the side window the first time you step on that gas pedal.

With over 4 years of experience behind the wheels in Bangkok, I have decided to share with you ten of the unofficial but commonly accepted rules of the roads to help you get started on your first journey to the adventure called Bangkok Traffic.

1. If you wish to switch lanes, do not, for whatever reason, make your signal. It will only prompt the car behind you to speed up and close the gap you intend to enter.

2. When you see a pedestrian waiting to cross the zebra crossing, do not slow down. Instead, speed up and flash your headlights to warn them of untimely death should they wish to cross your path.

3. The emergency signal button is for anything but emergencies. Some of its purposes include signaling other cars of rain, indicating that you wish to go straight at a four-way junction, and in most cases, to falsely indicate life forms inside to fool the cops when parked in the no parking zone.

4. When it is called for, the horn should be pressed for a good two minutes for maximum impact. Horns are also commonly used by pickup and mid-level truck drivers to get attention of fragile female pedestrians.

5. The maximum load of your two-wheel motorcycle is 5 persons, not including luggage and pets.

6. Faster cars should always drive on the far right lane. If slow car exists, you are obliged to honk, swerve over to the next lane before returning bluntly to cut it off with a sharp forceful brake and a laugh. Signaling your triumph with a middle finger is optional.

7. The members of the public are always interested in what you are playing on your vehicle’s stereo. You are encouraged to crank up the volume and open all windows. On a motorcycle? Any trusty MP3-playing mobile phones will do.

8. Drivers of all types of vehicles are encouraged to use your road time to apply makeup, draft up important emails, finish a novel and dramatically and simultaneously chat on various handheld devices.

9. In your front compartment, you should always have ready your insurance policy documents, a form of self defense device, phone numbers of your posse for when a backup is needed in an accident, and most importantly, a few wads of hundred baht notes.

10. When in doubt, consult your front compartment.

Isn’t this nice? I was merely trying to enjoy the free day off when some airhead bimbo reared into my car.

We were turning into our narrow soi when we stopped for a car to come out first so we could get in.

We stopped. We made a signal. And like few seconds after we ALREADY stopped we were rammed.

Of course, as sexist as this may sound, we were not surprised to see a skantily clad biatch in her hot pants stepping out from the drivers side.

“Sorry sorry ka I didn’t see”

“Of course you didn’t see or else my Jazz wouldn’t have had a big cut and a huge loose part like this.”

“I thought you were in the soi already.”

“Well if we were still at the entrance of the soi then of course we weren’t in stupid.”

“This is normal. I didn’t mean it. Accidents happen all the time.”

“Yeah they happen when you don’t look effing look where you’re going.”

“Of course I already looked.”

“So then what? You couldn’t just hit the effing break?”

And all this time she has this annoyed face on like the accident was wasting her precious skanky time. If I had a stiletto on and was lacking conscience, I would have smacked her brains out.

Her car just got some of my silver paint on. My car? Cuts, dents, with my spoiler sticking out on the side.

And after the whole insurance, negotiation thing was done, she just drove off the area like a maniac fleeing a scene. I hope she gets crushed by a bus.

Happy Maka Bucha Day.

I don’t think there is any word to match the intensity of the word “hia” in English.

F*ucker, d*ckhead, as*hole, mofo. None of them comes close.

It’s not a great word to describe a person, especially when that person is yourself. But somehow, me being hia on the road on the way home today was pretty much one of the few satisfying and fulfilling things that happened to me in the whole week.

I came across one of those drivers who just has to always be first. If there’s a car in front of him, he has to find a way to get in front of it.

I was the car he was trying to get rid off. We turned right at a junction together and I already saw that he was trying to go to the next lane so he could cut me off. In the lane next to me however, there was this beatup truck that couldn’t move faster than a grandpa. The truck was a bit ahead of me and I knew if I didn’t close the gap between the truck and me, the A-Hole would be able to cut in front of me.

So I leveled to the truck, obstructing him from cutting. He swiveled for a while between my lane and the truck’s lane. Finally I saw the truck making a sign to turn right, so I got into his lane (which was the far right lane, lane for speeders and crazy drivers) and waited for the A-Hole to tailgate me.

He got the bait. The left lane next to me was full of moderately-slow moving cars and there was no gap for the A-Hole to get it and cut in front of me. This would be fun, I thought, and started to drive really slowly, letting my accelerator go and let my car cruise along.

He flashed, and sped, and swiveled and flashed again. I knew I got him in my hand. So I tried something. I sped up a little, convincing him that maybe I would finally let him cut me. And when he got the bait, I just BRAKED like there was no tomorrow. He almost his the partition on the right.

Now he got really pissed. There was more flashing and honking. That’s was when I came to realize that it was time for me to change lanes as I had to make a left turn into my soi.

To my pleasant surprise, the idiot was heading to my soi too. He started moving his car toward the left. Luckily for me, there was no car next nor in front of us, so I just played with him some more and cruised my car, slowly, along with him behind me to the left.

That was awesome.

In my soi, it’s usually quite deserted at night, meaning if you’ve got a slow car in front of you, you can easily cut them by going over to the incoming lane (which is NOT a good traffic conduct) and cut them off.

Today the soi was packed with carts and taxis. Every time he tried to go into the opposite lane, he had to come back into our lane, and still not managing to cut me off. That happened about five times, him swiveling back and forth and that was the highlight of the night.

I can totally imagine the anger that was coming out of his ears when he finally had to make a turn at a junction while I was going straight, meaning our little battle was over and he didn’t even get to cut me off.

Mom said I could have got shot.

Well, guess who I learned the tricks from?